Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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