I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
