My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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