Texts From Last Night

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  (559): View more from California

  my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.

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  (559): my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment. http://tfl.nu/sp0b
  Replies (20) Good night (3839) Bad night (891)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher

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  (734): Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher http://tfl.nu/nr2j
  Replies (22) Good night (640) Bad night (2794)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

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  (520): But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions. http://tfl.nu/p23c
  Replies (35) Good night (5824) Bad night (701)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.

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  (314): I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old. http://tfl.nu/qc6x
  Replies (19) Good night (743) Bad night (5622)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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  (908): this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up. http://tfl.nu/ay5l
  Replies (33) Good night (1349) Bad night (5280)
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  (315): View more from New York

  apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.

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  (315): apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food. http://tfl.nu/ofln
  Replies (3) Good night (3368) Bad night (865)
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  (951): View more from California

  I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.

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  (951): I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here. http://tfl.nu/bc0s
  Replies (4) Good night (1267) Bad night (2293)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

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  (248): We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer. http://tfl.nu/kn8l
  Replies (8) Good night (3438) Bad night (1248)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.

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  (412): i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad. http://tfl.nu/1j3o
  Replies (3) Good night (3395) Bad night (1138)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?

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  (717): Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain? http://tfl.nu/uh45
  Replies (6) Good night (2508) Bad night (1353)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?

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  (828): If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me? http://tfl.nu/3q2x
  Replies (5) Good night (2503) Bad night (871)
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  You did this to yourself.

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  (989): I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation. (1-989): You did this to yourself. http://tfl.nu/o89r
  Replies (11) Good night (1656) Bad night (711)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.

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  (615): We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video. http://tfl.nu/j3gr
  Replies (3) Good night (1209) Bad night (525)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas

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  (412): It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas http://tfl.nu/da47
  Replies (8) Good night (1074) Bad night (407)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever

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  (757): We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever http://tfl.nu/xy9z
  Replies (1) Good night (528) Bad night (274)

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