Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
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