You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
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I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
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Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?