Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it