Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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