Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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