i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
