shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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