I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
