just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
