My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
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what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
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She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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