if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
