omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
