This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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