i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
