epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
