ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
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The beers last night were like the tears from god
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
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The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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