she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Text me some of your sweat
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