someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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