some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize