I just threw up on my dentist
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
