i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
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