remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
