I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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