You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
