is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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