sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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