I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
