I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
