my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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