Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
