The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
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why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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