Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
