I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
