i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
