He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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