I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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