Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So squirting runs in the family.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
