I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
