There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
