So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
