fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
