Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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