I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
