One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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