I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
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It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
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