The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
