She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
