I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
