U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
