you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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