I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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