I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
