i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
