i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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